‘She tried to cry herself to sleep but it mingled with the water leaking from the roof. Why did she have to put her bed in the bath room when all she wanted to do was to sleep? But her husband’s stern reproach resounded in her head. “Never question; just do it”. She thought he knew best and always listened to him. Now and then there were the questions of course. They rose sly and unbidden from some cavernous depth of her heart. Was it so hard for them to let her be?’
My grandmother had to experience this when she was a little girl of just 15, married to a man who controlled every aspect of her life. During her menstrual cycle, her bed was placed in the bathroom which had a leaky roof. No one thought of her as a child but as an adult with a huge cultural responsibility to shoulder. The daughter-in-law (my aunt) could not cook for the father-in-law or cross his path because she did not belong to our caste and had not been branded with the sacred symbols of the Vaishnava sect. Human dignity did not find a place in the strong holds of religion.
The eternal perplexity of man has been linked to religion and spirituality. There are so many questions which arise as we grow up and begin to comprehend and logically reason out. A traditional upbringing saves no room for analysis. The rules have been there from time immemorial and acceptance is not a reasoned choice; it is an unquestionable legacy.
I was brought up in one such family which held up the staff of religion for whatever action was done. Nothing before or beyond. It was law. Individuality and opinion were crushed as soon as they decided to have a free rein. Childhood was the beginning of a rigorous training for a lifetime of docility and a spotless character.
Women were not allowed to go into the shrine during their menstrual cycle when they were regarded dirty because of the very mechanism which endowed the family with an heir. We were not permitted to enter into the puja room or touch the idols as they would become impure. The meaning failed to register. How could a bronze idol feel my dirt when I had just had a bath? There were no answers for this. I had always heard that God was supposed to be beyond everything. Then how could that great God have the time to feel my dirt? My opinions were just snubbed or never heard. If the concept of God was even questioned, it was considered worthy enough to be guillotined. When I raised this with my mother I was told not to question….not because she believed this but because she did not have an answer to give. Is this how spirituality and religion operated? With no base?
My first tryst and continuing battle with religion began when I was two. My grand father, the one person whom I loved beyond anyone in this world, passed away. He was 65 with a son who was barely 12. God had decided to just be an idol. Why didn’t he respond when my grandfather died? If he could feel my dirt then he could feel my pain too. But I didn’t see his response. Why then do we follow meaningless rituals without reasoning out why they are actually being followed?
I saw my mother being subjected to torturous rituals without a care about whether she was well or not. She just had to pull on. What kind of God was this who didn’t understand the pain of a mother and was selfish enough to want offerings when my mother was in pain? Religion, for me, always meant bondage and limitation of ideas and rational thought. There was always a ‘do-this’ and a ‘do-that’. There was no freedom of thought. Culture is just a cloak of the ignorance inherited from generations.
To this day, I have not found an answer to my question because all the people whom I have spoken to have themselves been puzzled. Is this really inscrutable or have we been conditioned in such a way that we do not want to question at all?
My grandmother had to experience this when she was a little girl of just 15, married to a man who controlled every aspect of her life. During her menstrual cycle, her bed was placed in the bathroom which had a leaky roof. No one thought of her as a child but as an adult with a huge cultural responsibility to shoulder. The daughter-in-law (my aunt) could not cook for the father-in-law or cross his path because she did not belong to our caste and had not been branded with the sacred symbols of the Vaishnava sect. Human dignity did not find a place in the strong holds of religion.
The eternal perplexity of man has been linked to religion and spirituality. There are so many questions which arise as we grow up and begin to comprehend and logically reason out. A traditional upbringing saves no room for analysis. The rules have been there from time immemorial and acceptance is not a reasoned choice; it is an unquestionable legacy.
I was brought up in one such family which held up the staff of religion for whatever action was done. Nothing before or beyond. It was law. Individuality and opinion were crushed as soon as they decided to have a free rein. Childhood was the beginning of a rigorous training for a lifetime of docility and a spotless character.
Women were not allowed to go into the shrine during their menstrual cycle when they were regarded dirty because of the very mechanism which endowed the family with an heir. We were not permitted to enter into the puja room or touch the idols as they would become impure. The meaning failed to register. How could a bronze idol feel my dirt when I had just had a bath? There were no answers for this. I had always heard that God was supposed to be beyond everything. Then how could that great God have the time to feel my dirt? My opinions were just snubbed or never heard. If the concept of God was even questioned, it was considered worthy enough to be guillotined. When I raised this with my mother I was told not to question….not because she believed this but because she did not have an answer to give. Is this how spirituality and religion operated? With no base?
My first tryst and continuing battle with religion began when I was two. My grand father, the one person whom I loved beyond anyone in this world, passed away. He was 65 with a son who was barely 12. God had decided to just be an idol. Why didn’t he respond when my grandfather died? If he could feel my dirt then he could feel my pain too. But I didn’t see his response. Why then do we follow meaningless rituals without reasoning out why they are actually being followed?
I saw my mother being subjected to torturous rituals without a care about whether she was well or not. She just had to pull on. What kind of God was this who didn’t understand the pain of a mother and was selfish enough to want offerings when my mother was in pain? Religion, for me, always meant bondage and limitation of ideas and rational thought. There was always a ‘do-this’ and a ‘do-that’. There was no freedom of thought. Culture is just a cloak of the ignorance inherited from generations.
To this day, I have not found an answer to my question because all the people whom I have spoken to have themselves been puzzled. Is this really inscrutable or have we been conditioned in such a way that we do not want to question at all?
1 comment:
Never try looking for an answer where there's no point questioning, never try asking THE PUZZLED "others" the answer cz they'r puzzled n will leave u puzzeled too. The best thing to do right now is to BELIEVE and also watch NAT GEO's taboo and say "hoshaaaa" :D Things r changing, and in a few more years, things will change and we gotta be proud and consider ourselves as the early adopters :)
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