The weirdness of having "mixed feelings"

The word that found most popularity during the convocation of the ACJ class of 2007...I must have used it almost every other second that i breathed on that day....why did I???? I was not particularly over-joyed during my stay in Chennai and my stint at ACJ....everyday was filled with emotional and professional instabilities...but in the midst of it all, my all-too-human nature filled the gaps....i fell in love....with my life, my work, my friends, their lives.....yet, after a point i was tired....tired of it all maybe at times because i was so confused about what i wanted to do...whether i wanted to help them or run away.....what was space???? my cupboard, my bed, my chair, 5 mins of my peace and composure???? no idea...but it was never mine...atleast not for the last 10 months....but in some perverse way, it appealed...they became home and family....a family which tore my brains to bits and loved me whole-heartedly.....The package included giving missed calls to my mother almost five times in a day sometimes and the first sentence as soon as i picked up "Please calm down...don't get so angry"....the remedies, of course, is another story....An outsider's easy domain of solutions "Do yoga, drink lots of water, meditation also helps, listen to happy music and read some book"....Life proves more wily....gives u time only to get angry..not more not less....then there are those strands of life - memories which stick long after the phase is over....it becomes easier to say "Move on man" but what about days when you wish for that cloak of familiarity, that surge of establishing yourself more because someone so strongly believes and shares what you believe in, the old man of habit where you never want to sit anywhere else but that which is temporarily yours, that bolt which hits you when you see a long-ago photo and wish you could just smell the air as it did, walk that path just once more, feel the way you did at that precise moment....That's when "mixed feelings" assumes its importance.....It is neither happiness at having spent time at a great place nor sorrow at leaving it, neither pain for your friend at having lost a job nor ecstasy of your having bagged another.....it gives a name to those seconds, those phases that would otherwise pass into oblivion, that come suddenly in a flash and rush past, those images that play out in front of your eyes as if you could touch them when you are listening to your favourite song and leave an unease and void......
It gives a name to that feeling of wanting more of something that is past and yet looking out for the future......I felt the same on the Convocation Day......there was happiness and the excitement of starting a new life, reality took a break.....In the train, with the last real shreds of my Chennai life slowly slipping away and a new terrain on the horizon, the tears came.....for myself, for the life i had, for the wonderful moments, for the progess from sai to Sai, only for the photos that i had, the memories.....they still refuse to go away................