Have you ever felt the need to reiterate yourself? the feeling that every pore needs to unclog, to release all the tiny shards embedded in so that you can feel the air breathe 'you' through every pore? That there are times when you forget yourself. There's a tight wrap around you, a cocoon that you weave around yourself, when you start to reek of another and realise it but don't know how you could get it off..scrub it free..parachute your mind, thoughts, and soul out..find a way to find yourself, take the logical route that walks straight..the one you thought you had all chalked out..therein lies the difficulty..what part of you has changed by the time you've clawed your way through? Who are 'you' then? Which part of 'you' do you associate with and which part do you not? Hard to reconcile or comprehend..

The multi-faceted Perception

It's always perception..I never thought in all my years of being unreasonable, emotinally fraught, hopelessly caught in the tangle of relationships that this would be the feeder main for all those innumerable emotions. I always thought i was complex. Well, i still think so..No denying it..ACJ was the beginning where i realised that however you look at things or want to look at them, there is always a difference and will always be because my perception couldn't be picked off anyone..It could only be my own however hard i tried to be or look at something. Its like my friend says..that the way we vegetarians look at plant life as food and not living creatures, non-vegetarians don't think of chicken, pigs, deer, and almost all other living creatures other than themselves, as food (i think the raven has been spared or has China found a 'delectable' solution to that too??)

One of those wonderfully juvenile perceptions is when you are under the extremely gullible impression that you are the sole saviour of a person's life and the main force behind the vicious alteration of their decisions (which we think are pathetic). So, we very vociferously and to great effect, advocate our opinion about their life, their choices, their thinking....Maybe at one point, we seriously doubt whether they can even think for themselves because we automatically assume that stature in their lives where they hand that authority to us on a platter..And we more than gleefully invite them into the cavern that we have caved for them..Well, in the outstanding moments of basking in the honour of our own skewed sense of brilliance, we don't anticipate the workings of the other person's mind which we have conveniently pushed to the background..Thankfully, it's voice refuses to be quelled by the tirade of our unfailing sense of self-importance and there comes a point when there is a violent need to sever a bond built on trust and mutual thoughtfulness. Since that premise has ceased to exist, maybe the bond should too or has it really become a bond??

While this arises more out of a fiercely blind sense of possessiveness, there is another twisted side to the complete and unbridled possession of another's life. It springs from a deep sense of disdain for another's set of values, principles, their way of living, working, speaking, thinking..Quite subtly, perception finds it own niche here as my perception of someone's life and their mannerisms may generate deep dislike while for that person, it may merely be just another facet to them or a casual daily. But for some others, it may strongly intrude in their frame of thinking as something thoroughly scandalous. This I understood when a close friend swore while he called people which, according to me, was a serious lapse. Then I relooked at my perspective and grudgingly admitted that while it was shocking to me and disgusted me every bit, the other person was just either following a habit acquired through years of hearing it from the company he kept.

But at the end of it all, it just makes me deeply ponder as to what really is acceptable and what cannot be tolerated. Is it a line I draw only for myself from my own experiences and perceive my side of the table or something that I could impose on others for a cause, for a positive change? I still don't know for, where there are limits, there is thought and a need to understand and be, and where there are none, well everything stays as just another perception...

23 years and I couldn't have thought there were so many types of headaches...Amen!

A bird's eye view

A beautiful, idyllic sunday..one where you can just sit in your garden and breathe in the air and look at the teeming sub-prime life and marvel that they all reside in the crooks and crevices, in the tiny breathing spaces. It was hot though which made me turn anxiously towards my thirsty plants silently exuding their plea to me, with a slight bend in their backs. Water pouring ensued with more on me than them. This happens when you want to stay in one place and yet somehow hope the water will reach every corner of the garden, bounteosuly to all the plants. After spraying the tops of the shrubs (simultaneously with the neighbour's wall and the good thing, their rose plant), I finally stopped to breathe in the scent of hot, baked earth soaking in the cold water, absorbing and seeping it in with all its pores like a mighty earthworm and then letting out a fresh, crisp scent into the air. I happily munched on roasted dal and let some fall to the ground so that the ants could munch on them. That's when I was really truly amazed because I didnt know ants could affect me that way. They called invisible others to come help them out and soon a horde of them were carrying one small grain into their hole. When they arrived at their den, the grain wasn't fitting in as the hole was too small to hold the entire grain in flat position. Without further thought, the ants turned it onto it's side and triumphantly marched with their dinner, right into the hole. Such simple creatures..and such a simple solution. Why can't we human beings be as intelligent and simple? Our ego immediately has to flex its muscles and we refuse to take even a simple suggestion and instead vouch for our vociferously advocated opinion just to prove our point.

Then came the tailorbird. It was the smallest and the sweetest thing i'd ever seen (i've not seen the hummingbird so this is stands me in good stead). My mum says it is a regular visitor to our garden. The poor thing was obviously, by birdie standards, feeling hot (by human, it was unbearable). It realised that the garden had just been watered and just swooped down onto a giant (by its standards) money plant leaf. And then, it had me looking at it with adoration and laughter in my eyes. It was using the leaf like an aqua slide! Its wings were spread in a wide angle, horizontal to the ground and it was relieving its body heat by sliding over the water-laden leaves. Just then, a light breeze shook the leaves of one of the trees which shed a few droplets from its leaves. The bird immediately shot like a bullet into the tree, leading to a heavy spray on its body. Then, after it had exhausted all the drops of water from the leaves, it happily hopped away.
I wonder why all my desires don't make me as happy as i was that day watching that little bird....bone-deep happy.....

Of air pollution and happy endings

I just realised i hate idealists. Not all though cos i'm a self-confessed idealist although i'm not too sure of its meaning now. Last thursday, i was really excited cos i thought i would get to meet journalists from other papers at a conference arranged by the Karnataka State Pollution Control Board (KSPCB) on how Greenhouse gases from vehicles are contributing to the increasing air pollution in the city. I had done my research before i left for the conference so i would know what areas had already been covered with respect to air pollution studies in the city. I had read what journalists from other papers had written and those from my own too. When i actually got to the KSPCB office, i saw all those people there and was quite excited frankly. Here were my bretheren. It felt good. I saw many smile at those they were familiar with and give a passing, haughty glance to "those newbies". It’s easy to guess the category into which i was slotted.

I dislike and detest those self-styled, stereotypical, generalising sorts who don't know who YOU are but smirk when they hear where you work or they come to, clairvoyantly, realise that you are a newcomer to the field and they are "veterans" (and it applies even if they have worked for 2 years..come on! its more than your lousy 3 months atleast!!). There were some from the Indian Express, more reputed for their text-heavy opinion columns, one from the Deccan Herald, which is really good with city news but whose journo decided that she had best be professional (here professional doesnt correspond with talking amicably and exchanging information..it is a self-generated version of deliberate snobbishness) and of course, my sister paper Bangalore Mirror who are more concerned with how many places are left for couples to "coochie coo". Well, all inclination to be nice and smile flew away into the air (i guess they musn't have come up with a special mechanism even in KSPCB to keep it clean of this sort of pollution!)
Finally, when the conference was over and the questions asked, tea and snacks was served to everyone. As i was the last to go, only two or three who were there till the end asking questions. I awaited my turn and thought i would talk to those already there. Oops! Wrong thing to do! Just one haughty glance and me, my smile, my ego, and my idealism - all died a lightning-fast death. As is usual with me, i asked my questions first, casually interrupting the shy slow 2-year old's (in the profession i mean!). I was met with "oh-sure-i-allowed-you-to-ask-first-out-of-my-generosity" look. Not that i cared! I was all upbeat and itching to sniff out an exclusive.

I anyway asked to meet the Chairman who looked utterly bored and lost as if asking "Shucks! what the hell am i doing in this chair???" Accidentally, he let slip some info that caught my ears and the rest as they say, is history! (oh how i love this line!!) So in the end, all they got was a press release and i got a scoop!! *chuckle*
I guess all's well that ends well and that applies to idealism too...

"Cinderella wanted....anybody fit the bill???"

I frankly didn’t know what I felt – bugged or weary…It was one of many times that I had heard that…I thought it wouldn’t affect me but it did…We had gone to a little village called Chinnapaalam in Rameshwaram during our deprivation trip. We took quite sometime there; exploring and enquiring about the residents’ problems…It was a small village where the primary occupation was sea weed collection; the women collected weed while the men went fishing. Me and my friend waited, with the children, for the women to come back from their watery jobs. Since the others in our van had to proceed to other places for their stories, we decided to stay back. The van would come back for us once the others were dropped. As time ticked by, we decided to look around the village and take pictures. Two of the little girls came with us and showed us around. We got to see a very different side of life there. There were no bathrooms, not enough water, thatched houses and dependency on a very uncertain profession. Despite that they were happy…perhaps because they had and would probably never know what it is to live well.

That’s when it started…one of the little girls became really attached to my friend and even stood next to her in all the pictures that we took. It didn’t strike me as odd….in fact it was very touching that they became so friendly with us so soon. But then she said something, to my friend, that made my ears prickle and my heart burn. I never thought that even in such a remote corner of the world where I hoped to alleviate others’ troubles, I would meet my own demons. Her words-“Akka, you are so pretty.” My friend just ruffled her hair and we forgot about it. Then we went towards the shore where the ladies would arrive soon. There were many boats and we thought it would be fun to take some pictures. My friend wanted one first so I got the turn to capture the moment. All the little girls and boys crowded around her as they wanted to go back with us on our little chip. This little girl pushed everyone, went and sat right beside my friend and asked her to put an arm around her; “friend friend like” she said. The adoration in her eyes was so evident that if she could, she wouldn’t have let my friend go. It was sweet. But every time she could, she kept telling my friend that she was very pretty. My friend then asked her “How is she??” pointing to me…I just waved her away and laughed…the little girl promptly said “She is very nice but I like you; you are very pretty.”

I felt exhausted because I suddenly realized that wherever I went, that’s the only thing that would matter in the end. Not how good I was at my work or as a person, I was just not pretty. I remember telling my mother that it never mattered to me if I wasn’t pretty as there were many more aspects to my character that people would see and appreciate. I guess I couldn’t have been more off the mark. Even in such a tiny village where I would probably never step foot again in my life, I was reminded of that stark reality. It was not the little girl’s fault…she had probably heard that all her life too that being pretty is all that matters…she was just a zaria, as they say, for me to remember that…

It strikes me as odd because then I was reminded of what my till-then-I-thought-best-friend told me the day we left college finally “you should grow your hair, dress more like a girl and look pretty…then you won’t have any difficulty in finding a boyfriend.” It was unwanted advice but it just drove the nail in deeper.

It’s always not “enough” to be just how you are…when you are an infant, you are not “cute enough”…when you grow up a little, you are not “happy/witty enough”…when you grow into adolescence, you are not “thin enough”….when you grow into middle age, you are not “beautiful enough”…when you are almost into old age, you are not “interesting enough”….when you are finally old and think that it’ll finally end you find that you are not “fit enough”….underlying all this, is the constant “you are not fair enough” speech…

Now that I know how the human mind works, I try to ignore it. I know that I matter most to myself and how I perceive myself. Others and their opinions don’t decide who I am. But I think of countless girls who fall into this trap and are not able to convince themselves that they matter and not their faces. They go into depression, mostly ending their lives. In my mind, I know it doesn’t matter and I wish I could tell them but I know why they do it – the inability to withstand the humiliation of not being born beautiful is indeed a great burden…created by others nevertheless one which you have to carry your entire life unless you choose to unburden yourself…and look deeper to find what really matters….

But somewhere, sometimes I too succumb to my humanness….

The Not-so-Golden Touch

Just yesterday an uncle, whom I knew from childhood, came on a visit. I knew it was not entirely innocent as he claimed because he only visited when he wanted something…His first sentence and I knew that his job was with me. His opening lines were "Ahh...my journalist friend!!" and he gave his more-obvious-now gummy smile...Hesitantly, I looked up from Wilbur Smith's 'River God' and gave up my contemplation of ancient Egyptian characters. To my great surprise and even greater shock, he told me that he had recently started a new magazine and he was the Editor. This person had always dabbled in new things all his life but this was totally out of the blue!! I realized where his practiced speech was heading...he tried to ask me, albeit what he thought very casually, about what I was doing after my course...the conversation is not of much use here but the end result was that he wanted me to contribute an article for every issue of his magazine...I showed him one of my articles which has recently been doing the rounds with most newspapers as I'm job-hunting...Curiously, I wanted to see his reaction as I had got good reviews for it...He read thru it and even asked if I had done an in-depth study of Indian history to write it...I flushed and grinned and tried my hand at modesty...But his next statement left me flummoxed!! His magazine, he said, catered to students from the age of 8 to the PG level...It didn’t hit me just then because I didn’t understand what he was trying to convey…His argument was that they wouldn’t understand my language because it probably had more words than he cared to admit he knew!! But my frown had him back-tracking…He said that in the end it was entirely up to me to do as I pleased with it and it was just his view…I told him I’d think about it as he prepared to leave and I was, thankfully and very gratefully, interrupted by a phone call from an old friend.

I argued heatedly with mum that I couldn’t and wouldn’t change my article nor my style of writing for anyone…She then asked me if all the students who read it would understand what I wanted to say…I reluctantly conceded that my classmates never used to understand what I wrote even in 10th although they claimed to like my vocabulary!!! But his words had set me thinking….I read the first issue of his magazine which contained numerous spelling mistakes and random sentence association…It dawned on me that most people I’ve met outside my school and college circle spoke that way!! Probably they understand English only when it is written that way…Well hell!! Maybe the masses understand only that much English! There lies the hitch...Do I write with my usual flair and panache for a limited section of the society or in broken English because it will be more readable by the common person on his treacherous road to knowing Shakespeare??? My ego at being able to understand, read and write English effortlessly always wins hands down but at the end, it always leaves me with the nagging after-thought that the message is for the masses and what is the use, after all, if it doesn’t reach them, touch them, just leaves them clueless…….